Where Are They Now? Part I: Don West

You know since we are in the reminiscing mode I was watching VH1 Where are they now? and thinking to myself what was the name of that guy that would always yell "I've got this Tiger Woods Rookie Upper Deck Gem Min 10 Card?" in a thick southern accent at about 3am? If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about let me give yo some background.....

Back when I was in school after comming home from the bars eating a Filiberto's/Viva Burrito breakfast burrito on my couch, we would watch this fat guy on the Home Shopping Network screaming at me to buy an 1985 box set of Topps Baseball Cards or somethin similar....... This man I later found out was the infamous Don West......


It's hard to put this guy into words but I'll try......

With his Farley-esque demeanor, Don West took the late-night, afterbar world by storm with then most incredible entertainment value that a show has ever had the pleasure of gracing the airwaves. On the Shop-At-Home Show, Don runs around the set (like an ape on speed), pitching "incredible" deals on sportscollectables. Some of the best parts include:

While he's yelling at you to buy 100 Ken Griffey Jr. Gem Mint 10 cards (if you still don't know what I'm talking about you obviously never collected baseball cards as a kid...pick up a Beckett and look it up) he's got his buddy "Kenny" on the phone....Why is he on the line you ask? Cuz he's supposedly in his van travelin the nation in search of more "great deals" (What I really wished is that they panned off stage to "Kenny" who is probably sittin on a couch with the phone in one hand and a Pabst in the other).

Still don't believe that it's a great deal? That's when Don busts open a "random" box and starts openin "wax packs"....."oh my god! look at this, a Jordan rookie, another Jordan rookie, a Jordan hologram card, At a $100 bucks a pop that's 300 bucks right there......We're losin money on this deal.......Kenny put aside 2 boxes for my personal collection......If you can buy 5, buy 10, buy 50!"

Alas my words don't do this man justice you just gotta see him in action for yourself:

This is Don sellin some shit...
This is Don sellin 6,400 random cards....
This is Don with the same random 6,400 cards pullin out Jordan,McGwire,Griffey rookies....hilarious, at the end he's swimming in the cards.
This is one of Don just astounded at this incredible deal

(So these first 4 are Real Media files and you need Real Media Player to watch them.....but trust me they are worth it)

Here's Don on the phone with Kenny talking about this un-cut sheet deal that he found on the road
This is just Don bein' Don
(These last to vids are mpegs so you can watch them in Windows Media Player)

This is a zipped up file of audio Don.....some of his infamous catch phrases.....(Just download, unzip and listen to Don in all his glory!)

So where are they now? Well ol' Don ran into some trouble while at the Shop-At-Home Show......apparently he was selling some fake Tiger Woods Rookie cards and got sued over it. Check it out here. But not to worry fans what really started this post is that I was watchin FSN and they got some ripoff of the WWE wresling show called TNA wresling and guess who is the main play-by-play announcer? Our boy Don..




*(images and video were taken from the authority in all that is Don West www.donwest.org)

Up next in the Where Are They Now Series is the guru of all things cutlery Tom O'Dell who is also a late-night salesman extraordinare

That is all........Discuss

COMMENCING ACTION PLAN "NASCAR SUCKS"

As the title of this blog suggests, you may detect a bit of hatred towards this most hallowed of red neck "sports". I put sports in quotes, since driving in a circle is hardly a sport. If it was a sport, half of the female asian drivers in the world would be considered "athletes" as most of them have serious driving issues........the key one being driving like shit and in circles. I can here it now "Look at little Lucy Chow in the year of the goat car go......she really shows skill at making perfect left hand turns over and over and over again.......let's see what she has planned for the next left hand turn......ooooooh she really nailed that one". Let's not get bogged down in semantics here though. Aside from the next major Nascar driver being an asian woman, I am about to illustrate a four pronged approach as to why NASCAR should be banished from the face of the earth forever. They are as follows: 1)Wasteful of Natural resources 2)Teaches bad driving techniques 3)Worst advertising ever 4)People like this.

1)WASTEFUL OF NATURAL RESOURCES


Regardless of what everyone thinks, dinosaurs did not die, decompose and get purified so that some a-hole who preferres a certain type of wrench could do this in a so called "stock car". That car just guzzled down about 20 gallons of T-Rex right there. All that burned rubber could have saved no less than 100 teen pregnancies in the form of condoms. Ironically most of those teen pregnancies will affect the same red necks that were hootin' and a hollarin' as this awesome display of mans technological know how. I'd rather watch these idiots get wasted on a case of Busch beer and try to ride a tricycle around one of their stupid ovals once than have to deal with a never ending season of burn outs and fist pumps. God I hate nascar.

2) TEACHES BAD DRIVING TECHNIQUES


I guarantee that some dude with a rusted out 66 nova saw this and said "Sheeeeeeet I dun dun that last week, an I'll do it again.......sheeeeet". Coincidentally this is what happens when a driver goes crazy and tries to turn right. That being said I haven't ever seen one of these guys use a blinker, and i'm pretty sure those lights are just painted on. But at least the number 10 car will have the right stuff to clean his shorts cause he is sure going to need it. God I hate nascar.

4) WORST ADVERTISING EVER



What the fuck is this! I couldn't tell you.....whose really neat nascar products am I supposed to buy. Whose beer taste better, I don't know because they are traveling way to fast. Now take this image and smash an eighteen pack of schlitz'szzz down a screaming red necks throat and you have what could possibly be the worst advertising campaign ever. No one in the crowd has any idea what they just watched , but they are now def and feel like they have watched the most one sided tennis match ever. God I hate nascar.

4) PEOPLE LIKE THIS


Thus concludes my four pronged argument against nascar. In retrospect I don't think you really need four reasons why not to have nascar......it just never should have happened in the first place like the Haulacaust. If you feel nascar provides some sort of substance feel free to comment on it....but it doesn't matter because your an idiot if you like nascar and probably won't be able to formulate a decent argument.

Top 80's Fake Sport Movies

So late last night at about 3am listing to Music Choice on my TV I got inspired by the 80’s station to stop looking forward to my bleak and some may say non-existent future and take a step back and reminisce…….back when things were simpler. To an age were Hypercolor shirts, Zuba pants, and Z Cavericci’s reigned supreme. (OK so that’s like late 80’s early 90’s but go with me on this one) I was thinking to myself what were some of the great flicks on such great channels like “USA’s Up All Night with Rhonda Sheer (Not that annoying fuck Gilbert Godfrey) or Skin-enmax…I compiled a list which will be a running segment hopefully if I don’t get too lazy……which is probably even money at this point…

My Top 80’s Fake Sport Movies

My only criteria is that:
- It be made in the 80’s
- Movie must mostly or at least 50% revolve around or feature a “fake” sport
- Sport cannot be Mainstream ie. Baseball, Basketball, Football Americano, or Hockey
So here we go……

5. Gotcha! 1985


Tagline: Jonathan started out trying to score. And ended up being the target.

Classic hardluck story of a college teen played by Goose (Anthony Edwards) who is fuckin awesome at the game of “Gotcha!” where nerds hide out on campus and try to tag each other with dart guns, but has no luck with the ladies…….(Here’s a hint stop playin tag with dart guns you nerd.) He gets mixed up with the KGB but manages to bag Sasha (Linda Fiorentino) who was hot by the way due to “Vision Quest” fame.

This little no name classic spawned what we know as “Paintball” today and numerous terrible Nintendo videogames…..That’s all I remember.

4. Gleaming The Cube (1989)


Tagline: All he cared about was Gleaming the Cube...until the night they killed his brother, getting means risking it all

So all this kid did was skate…..fuck school, fuck his parents he just wanted to “Gleam the Cube” Then his adopted Vietnamese bro ends up dead and Jonnathan (Christian Slater) and the Asian Nancy Drew, older bros old lady try to find his killer.

All I remember about this movie was how awesome the skating was (I mean he was skating on the freeway under a semi for god’s sake) cuz if you were a kid in the 80’s you had a Vision Nash board and you did attempt to skate and do “ollies” or you were a Communist. I also remember the one kid’s “underground” hangout in the backyard….awesome

3. Hotshot (1987)

Tagline: They've got nothing in common but the determination to be the best.

Man this movie kicked ass….If you were a kid growing up chances are you played soccer at some point and if your coach didn’t make you watch this movie then you were robbed…..How can you dispute a move with an all-star cast of Pele (The Greates Soccer Player of All-Time), Billy Warlock as Vinnie Fortino, Mario Van Peoples as Winston, Penelope Ann Miller as Mary…and they’re the supporting cast…Jimmy Kristidis was the shit (The real actor was a nobody so who cares).

I just remembered watching this movie before soccer games and getting pumped up….It’s like today how some Football Americano players watch “Braveheart” or “Gladiator” before games to get psyched up….well this is the greatest soccer movie ever………that is all.

2. The Wizard (1989)


Tagline: It's more than a game... It's the chance of a lifetime.

You’re goddamn right it’s more than a game! So this is basically Rain Man but with the backdrop of videogames. Two brothers (Fred Savage and some other kid) are getting separated due to a divorce and one kid is crazy but man can that ‘tard game! So they runaway and meet some other chick who loves the vids too and travel across country challenging kids to games of “Rad Racer” with Power Gloves and getting 50,000 “Double Dragon” and whatnot on their way to LA for the Championships.

As a kid I remember wanting to see this movie so bad because it featured the new “Super Mario Bros. 3” game at the end and it was much hyped and hush hush. I remember getting a free subscription to Nintendo Power at the end of the movie as well. I also wished there actually was a tournament that I could enter and dominate….(Yeah I am a video game nerd) Now there’s nerds that actually make a living doing this shit…..(I think I missed my calling)

1. Rad (1986)

Tagline: A hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack... the heat is on.

So first off easily Lori Loughlin best piece of work to date. The tagline pretty much explains it all, BMX is “Cru Jones’” life. He practices all day at the Helltrack to become the best. He falls in love with Christian (Lori Laughlin) who is also a BMX’er So Cru’ and his friends create the “Rad Racing Team” to battle the top factory BMX racer Bart Talyor who is sponsored by Mongoose.

Two parts were great in the movie…..When he blows his mom off and misses the SAT’s to challenge Bart Taylor in the big race on the Helltrack, and the best part has got to be the dance scene. The kid goes to the dance with his BMX and “dances” on the floor with his BMX doing bunny hops and spins the front end the whole time while “Send Me an Angel” is blaring in the background………..Pure Gold.

Honorable Mention:

Over The Top (1987)


I really struggled with this one, in retrospect I would definitely substitute it with Gleaming the Cube but I am too lazy…..but you gotta love Lincoln Hawk played by Sly Stallone truck driver by day and Arm Wrestling Champion by night. I loved how he somehow Jerry-rigged a weight machine into his big rig to keep in shape, and the fact that he won a brand new big rig at the end of the arm wrestling tourney……his kid was a bitch but whatever…..

Others include….Bloodsport, Breakin, and Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo

Complaints? Compliments? Additions? Subtractions?........Discuss

Potpouri

So it's 2 am and I figure now is as good a time as any to jot down some mental droppings....

- So why is it that blondes are "bomshells" and brunettes are "the girl-next door"? Marylin Monroe, Pam Anderson = Blonde Bomshells.....Sandra Bullock, Katie Holmes = Girls next door...something that runs through my mind in the wee hours of the night

- The Masters "A traditon unlike no other"? Is it? Is it really? What about Christmas? Or how bout Easter?....(ok so I stole this bit but its so true and everyone knows that good writers borrow and great writters just outright steal) That's quite a bold statement but then again it's CBS and the man who can ruin 2 sports Jim Nantz with his terrible phrases as winning putts/baskets drop.

- Wonder what the "Kids are into" nowadays? Well I was since I'm old balls......One word my friends Myspace.com. It's all the rage and if you don't have a Myspace then you're a loser or over the age of 23....I was curious so I signed up to see what all the hype is about. Creating my page blew hard but I did get addicted to the "search" function where you can view other peeps pages. (Jesus Christ I need to get out more....)

- Friday night....108 oz of beer and about 3-4 Jagerbombs courtesy of my personal valet...Number of married chicks with 1 kid and an angry husband waiting in the garage that we gave a ride home to = 1.....number of times I was told by her sister to stop staring at her "boyz" as she called them (I think she was using the medical term that's why I didn't understand) = about a million.

That's it I really got nothin......

The "Gift" That Keeps On Giving

To be young, rich, and famous......It's like P. Diddy, and Biggie said "Mo money, mo problems" and Ron Mexico is no exception....WHAT??? you may say to yourself....Who the F is Ron Mexico? Well that my friend is the genius of this little tale.....you can look and see for yourself here. I think Van Wilder summed it but best when he said "Don't be a fool, wrap your tool" or get sued for giving a chick Herpes Simplex-2....

Here's a hint......

Please Discuss.......

Dont Call It a Comeback

Yes yes I know it's been a while but after the devestaing loss of the Cats I plunged into a deep chasam of booze self-pitty and wallowed in my own filth.........But on the bright side I did somehow manage to win one of the 8 NCAA pools that I entered. So this was brought to my attention and felt it necessary to share it with the world.......this may be the single greatest piece of literay work ever created. It is some cybersex chatroom transcrips and they will leave you lauging your ass off on the floor in a puddle of your own pee....

Some of my favorite exchanges are as follows:
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

Just a little preview for your reading pleasure.......

Syracuse Region

Well boys and girls, I must have done something right as Rufio asked me back, so you are stuck with me and my opinions for at least one more post. Well, the Tarheels have an easy road. They get to battle the winner of the play-in game, which features two powerhouses, every basketball fan knows plenty well. The deadly 12-18 Oakland ????'s versus the mighty Alabama A&M so-and so's. Well the Tar Heels will be able to rest their starters, and gear up for later rounds.

My upset special is NC State over Charlotte. A 10-7 upset isn't much but I work with what I'm given. Kansas vs. Wisconsin in the 2nd round should be a good game, although Kansas has lost 4 of their last 8. YIKES! Listen you can hear Bill Self kicking himself for leaving Illinois last year. Florida vs. Villanova should also be a good matchup, with Villanova always liking to spoil peoples seasons and Florida playing extremely well.

UNC beats UCONN in the Elite 8 and rolls to Nellyville for the Final 4.

Austin Region

Rufio asked me to throw my two cents in, and honestly many of you may not know what I'm spitting. First off, this is the toughest bracket in the tournament and one of the toughest in recent years. Duke (who I like about as much as Al Qaeda), lets face it looked impressive in the ACC tourney. Not to mention Michigan State, Syracuse, Oklahoma, and Kentucky. The selection committee obviously is hanging from Washington's pelotas, so they wanted to give them as easy of a road as possible, but let me digress.

Kentucky has a great defense, and some big boys, but let's just say they are no Jimmy Chitwoods (if you don't know who he is, stop reading this now!) They struggle in the shooting department. They will lose.

Great matchup in round 2 featuring Michigan State and Syracuse. But Hakim Warrick proves he is a mini KG and they advance.

Everyone wants to jump on the Dukey V bandwagon and suckle from the perverbial Coach K teet, but my pick is my upset special of the tournament. Syracuse will win the entire region!

So live it, learn it, love it.

Bracketology: ALBUQUERQUE

This is what I call the "Chip on your shoulder" Bracket. Many teams are playing with one ie. Louisville for getting a 4 seed, Wake for not getting a #1, Gonzaga for not getting seeded higher, and Washington just to prove everyone their worth the #1.

Let me just start off in saying that Washington was a surprise #1 seed to everyone but, all the cards were in place. Kansas, Kentucky, and Wake all lost in their conference tourneys which left the door open for what I think were 2 #1 seeds up for grabs. To my dismay Duke got one of them due to winning the ACC and Huskies got it for winning the Pac-10. That was Arizona's #1 seed for sure had they taken care of business but that's in the past......

The #1 seed is going to have a tough time in this bracket. First their gameplan is to outscore everyone due to the fact that they are the #1 scoring team in the nation. That's going to be tough come tourney time due to the fact that it's mostly a slowdown halfcourt set offense, not run and gun. Second is no inside presence. Their tallest starter is 6'9, that's not going to get it done, however all 5 spots do crash the boards hard. They do have the guardplay down with Nate "The Great" (you don'd know how hard it is for me to type that) Robinson and Tre Simmons.

I like Pitt over Pacific due to the fact of the strength of competition in the Big East. Did Pacific even play anyone of worth in their non-conferece schedule?

G'Tech and Louisville (with Pitino playing the "No Respect" card) move on

Now here's an upset possibility UCLA over Texas Tech. I personally don't like this pick but many of the talking heads on TV do. UCLA is too inconsistent for me to pick them, however they do have great talent and the "inside/outside" presence that is needed in this tournament with Farmar and Thompson but I still don't like 'em.

Gonzaga moves on and I think the Zags go deep this year....Their squad is legit despite any doubters out there. Turiaf is back from a nasty ankle injury and watch out for their shooter Morrison. Some say he's got a Larry Bird-esque game....(I wouldn't go that far but he's still good)

Many like the Blue Jay over the Mountaieers in the 7/10 upset......don't bite like I said Big East conference respect.

I've got Wake comming out of Albuquerque in a tough bracket.

Bracketology:CHICAGO

Well now it's time for the good stuff.........Here are my views on the regions brokendown:

CHICAGO:

No surpris here...... Illinois doesn't have to travel far and has a nice bracket to conted with.

15 of the last 16 years there has been a 12/5 uspet in the tournament....lots of people are picking the one is this bracket UW-Milwakee over Alabama......Now Bama made it to the Elite Eight last year with basically the same team as now, but they have looked very inconsistant and getting blown out by more than 15 on more than 1 occasion. Keep your eyes on this game.

I like Arizona's setup: Strong inside game with a good guard, which just happens to be the formula to winning the whole thing......Now if they could only play some defense they could be dangerous.......Terrible stat: 21 consecutive NCAA tournament apparences......number of losses in the first round: 7.

Another upset special: St. Mary's over the Salukies. St. Mays beat Stanford and Gonzaga and lost to the Zags in the WCC final. The Salukies on the other hand didn't even make it to the finals of the MVC.

My brain says the eventual winner of the Chicago region will be the Illini, but my heart is always with the Cats, who if they win it will make a run to the finals.

Next region up: ALBUQUERQUE