Diarrhea of the Mouth

Where Are They Now? Part I: Don West

2005-05-03T02:13:00.000-07:00

You know since we are in the reminiscing mode I was watching VH1 Where are they now? and thinking to myself what was the name of that guy that would always yell "I've got this Tiger Woods Rookie Upper Deck Gem Min 10 Card?" in a thick southern accent at about 3am? If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about let me give yo some background.....

Back when I was in school after comming home from the bars eating a Filiberto's/Viva Burrito breakfast burrito on my couch, we would watch this fat guy on the Home Shopping Network screaming at me to buy an 1985 box set of Topps Baseball Cards or somethin similar....... This man I later found out was the infamous Don West......

It's hard to put this guy into words but I'll try......

With his Farley-esque demeanor, Don West took the late-night, afterbar world by storm with then most incredible entertainment value that a show has ever had the pleasure of gracing the airwaves. On the Shop-At-Home Show, Don runs around the set (like an ape on speed), pitching "incredible" deals on sportscollectables. Some of the best parts include:

While he's yelling at you to buy 100 Ken Griffey Jr. Gem Mint 10 cards (if you still don't know what I'm talking about you obviously never collected baseball cards as a kid...pick up a Beckett and look it up) he's got his buddy "Kenny" on the phone....Why is he on the line you ask? Cuz he's supposedly in his van travelin the nation in search of more "great deals" (What I really wished is that they panned off stage to "Kenny" who is probably sittin on a couch with the phone in one hand and a Pabst in the other).

Still don't believe that it's a great deal? That's when Don busts open a "random" box and starts openin "wax packs"....."oh my god! look at this, a Jordan rookie, another Jordan rookie, a Jordan hologram card, At a $100 bucks a pop that's 300 bucks right there......We're losin money on this deal.......Kenny put aside 2 boxes for my personal collection......If you can buy 5, buy 10, buy 50!"

Alas my words don't do this man justice you just gotta see him in action for yourself:

This is Don sellin some shit...
This is Don sellin 6,400 random cards....
This is Don with the same random 6,400 cards pullin out Jordan,McGwire,Griffey rookies....hilarious, at the end he's swimming in the cards.
This is one of Don just astounded at this incredible deal

(So these first 4 are Real Media files and you need Real Media Player to watch them.....but trust me they are worth it)

Here's Don on the phone with Kenny talking about this un-cut sheet deal that he found on the road
This is just Don bein' Don
(These last to vids are mpegs so you can watch them in Windows Media Player)

This is a zipped up file of audio Don.....some of his infamous catch phrases.....(Just download, unzip and listen to Don in all his glory!)

So where are they now? Well ol' Don ran into some trouble while at the Shop-At-Home Show......apparently he was selling some fake Tiger Woods Rookie cards and got sued over it. Check it out here. But not to worry fans what really started this post is that I was watchin FSN and they got some ripoff of the WWE wresling show called TNA wresling and guess who is the main play-by-play announcer? Our boy Don..

*(images and video were taken from the authority in all that is Don West www.donwest.org)

Up next in the Where Are They Now Series is the guru of all things cutlery Tom O'Dell who is also a late-night salesman extraordinare

That is all........Discuss

COMMENCING ACTION PLAN "NASCAR SUCKS"

2005-04-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

As the title of this blog suggests, you may detect a bit of hatred towards this most hallowed of red neck "sports". I put sports in quotes, since driving in a circle is hardly a sport. If it was a sport, half of the female asian drivers in the world would be considered "athletes" as most of them have serious driving issues........the key one being driving like shit and in circles. I can here it now "Look at little Lucy Chow in the year of the goat car go......she really shows skill at making perfect left hand turns over and over and over again.......let's see what she has planned for the next left hand turn......ooooooh she really nailed that one". Let's not get bogged down in semantics here though. Aside from the next major Nascar driver being an asian woman, I am about to illustrate a four pronged approach as to why NASCAR should be banished from the face of the earth forever. They are as follows: 1)Wasteful of Natural resources 2)Teaches bad driving techniques 3)Worst advertising ever 4)People like this.

1)WASTEFUL OF NATURAL RESOURCES

Regardless of what everyone thinks, dinosaurs did not die, decompose and get purified so that some a-hole who preferres a certain type of wrench could do this in a so called "stock car". That car just guzzled down about 20 gallons of T-Rex right there. All that burned rubber could have saved no less than 100 teen pregnancies in the form of condoms. Ironically most of those teen pregnancies will affect the same red necks that were hootin' and a hollarin' as this awesome display of mans technological know how. I'd rather watch these idiots get wasted on a case of Busch beer and try to ride a tricycle around one of their stupid ovals once than have to deal with a never ending season of burn outs and fist pumps. God I hate nascar.

2) TEACHES BAD DRIVING TECHNIQUES

I guarantee that some dude with a rusted out 66 nova saw this and said "Sheeeeeeet I dun dun that last week, an I'll do it again.......sheeeeet". Coincidentally this is what happens when a driver goes crazy and tries to turn right. That being said I haven't ever seen one of these guys use a blinker, and i'm pretty sure those lights are just painted on. But at least the number 10 car will have the right stuff to clean his shorts cause he is sure going to need it. God I hate nascar.

4) WORST ADVERTISING EVER

What the fuck is this! I couldn't tell you.....whose really neat nascar products am I supposed to buy. Whose beer taste better, I don't know because they are traveling way to fast. Now take this image and smash an eighteen pack of schlitz'szzz down a screaming red necks throat and you have what could possibly be the worst advertising campaign ever. No one in the crowd has any idea what they just watched , but they are now def and feel like they have watched the most one sided tennis match ever. God I hate nascar.

4) PEOPLE LIKE THIS

Thus concludes my four pronged argument against nascar. In retrospect I don't think you really need four reasons why not to have nascar......it just never should have happened in the first place like the Haulacaust. If you feel nascar provides some sort of substance feel free to comment on it....but it doesn't matter because your an idiot if you like nascar and probably won't be able to formulate a decent argument.

Top 80's Fake Sport Movies

2005-04-20T11:16:00.001-07:00

So late last night at about 3am listing to Music Choice on my TV I got inspired by the 80’s station to stop looking forward to my bleak and some may say non-existent future and take a step back and reminisce…….back when things were simpler. To an age were Hypercolor shirts, Zuba pants, and Z Cavericci’s reigned supreme. (OK so that’s like late 80’s early 90’s but go with me on this one) I was thinking to myself what were some of the great flicks on such great channels like “USA’s Up All Night with Rhonda Sheer (Not that annoying fuck Gilbert Godfrey) or Skin-enmax…I compiled a list which will be a running segment hopefully if I don’t get too lazy……which is probably even money at this point…

My Top 80’s Fake Sport Movies

My only criteria is that:
- It be made in the 80’s
- Movie must mostly or at least 50% revolve around or feature a “fake” sport
- Sport cannot be Mainstream ie. Baseball, Basketball, Football Americano, or Hockey
So here we go……

5. Gotcha! 1985

Tagline: Jonathan started out trying to score. And ended up being the target.

Classic hardluck story of a college teen played by Goose (Anthony Edwards) who is fuckin awesome at the game of “Gotcha!” where nerds hide out on campus and try to tag each other with dart guns, but has no luck with the ladies…….(Here’s a hint stop playin tag with dart guns you nerd.) He gets mixed up with the KGB but manages to bag Sasha (Linda Fiorentino) who was hot by the way due to “Vision Quest” fame.

This little no name classic spawned what we know as “Paintball” today and numerous terrible Nintendo videogames…..That’s all I remember.

4. Gleaming The Cube (1989)

Tagline: All he cared about was Gleaming the Cube...until the night they killed his brother, getting means risking it all

So all this kid did was skate…..fuck school, fuck his parents he just wanted to “Gleam the Cube” Then his adopted Vietnamese bro ends up dead and Jonnathan (Christian Slater) and the Asian Nancy Drew, older bros old lady try to find his killer.

All I remember about this movie was how awesome the skating was (I mean he was skating on the freeway under a semi for god’s sake) cuz if you were a kid in the 80’s you had a Vision Nash board and you did attempt to skate and do “ollies” or you were a Communist. I also remember the one kid’s “underground” hangout in the backyard….awesome

3. Hotshot (1987)

Tagline: They've got nothing in common but the determination to be the best.

Man this movie kicked ass….If you were a kid growing up chances are you played soccer at some point and if your coach didn’t make you watch this movie then you were robbed…..How can you dispute a move with an all-star cast of Pele (The Greates Soccer Player of All-Time), Billy Warlock as Vinnie Fortino, Mario Van Peoples as Winston, Penelope Ann Miller as Mary…and they’re the supporting cast…Jimmy Kristidis was the shit (The real actor was a nobody so who cares).

I just remembered watching this movie before soccer games and getting pumped up….It’s like today how some Football Americano players watch “Braveheart” or “Gladiator” before games to get psyched up….well this is the greatest soccer movie ever………that is all.

2. The Wizard (1989)

Tagline: It's more than a game... It's the chance of a lifetime.

You’re goddamn right it’s more than a game! So this is basically Rain Man but with the backdrop of videogames. Two brothers (Fred Savage and some other kid) are getting separated due to a divorce and one kid is crazy but man can that ‘tard game! So they runaway and meet some other chick who loves the vids too and travel across country challenging kids to games of “Rad Racer” with Power Gloves and getting 50,000 “Double Dragon” and whatnot on their way to LA for the Championships.

As a kid I remember wanting to see this movie so bad because it featured the new “Super Mario Bros. 3” game at the end and it was much hyped and hush hush. I remember getting a free subscription to Nintendo Power at the end of the movie as well. I also wished there actually was a tournament that I could enter and dominate….(Yeah I am a video game nerd) Now there’s nerds that actually make a living doing this shit…..(I think I missed my calling)

1. Rad (1986)

Tagline: A hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack... the heat is on.

So first off easily Lori Loughlin best piece of work to date. The tagline pretty much explains it all, BMX is “Cru Jones’” life. He practices all day at the Helltrack to become the best. He falls in love with Christian (Lori Laughlin) who is also a BMX’er So Cru’ and his friends create the “Rad Racing Team” to battle the top factory BMX racer Bart Talyor who is sponsored by Mongoose.

Two parts were great in the movie…..When he blows his mom off and misses the SAT’s to challenge Bart Taylor in the big race on the Helltrack, and the best part has got to be the dance scene. The kid goes to the dance with his BMX and “dances” on the floor with his BMX doing bunny hops and spins the front end the whole time while “Send Me an Angel” is blaring in the background………..Pure Gold.

Honorable Mention:

Over The Top (1987)

I really struggled with this one, in retrospect I would definitely substitute it with Gleaming the Cube but I am too lazy…..but you gotta love Lincoln Hawk played by Sly Stallone truck driver by day and Arm Wrestling Champion by night. I loved how he somehow Jerry-rigged a weight machine into his big rig to keep in shape, and the fact that he won a brand new big rig at the end of the arm wrestling tourney……his kid was a bitch but whatever…..

Others include….Bloodsport, Breakin, and Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo

Complaints? Compliments? Additions? Subtractions?........Discuss

Potpouri

2005-04-11T02:40:00.000-07:00

So it's 2 am and I figure now is as good a time as any to jot down some mental droppings....

- So why is it that blondes are "bomshells" and brunettes are "the girl-next door"? Marylin Monroe, Pam Anderson = Blonde Bomshells.....Sandra Bullock, Katie Holmes = Girls next door...something that runs through my mind in the wee hours of the night

- The Masters "A traditon unlike no other"? Is it? Is it really? What about Christmas? Or how bout Easter?....(ok so I stole this bit but its so true and everyone knows that good writers borrow and great writters just outright steal) That's quite a bold statement but then again it's CBS and the man who can ruin 2 sports Jim Nantz with his terrible phrases as winning putts/baskets drop.

- Wonder what the "Kids are into" nowadays? Well I was since I'm old balls......One word my friends Myspace.com. It's all the rage and if you don't have a Myspace then you're a loser or over the age of 23....I was curious so I signed up to see what all the hype is about. Creating my page blew hard but I did get addicted to the "search" function where you can view other peeps pages. (Jesus Christ I need to get out more....)

- Friday night....108 oz of beer and about 3-4 Jagerbombs courtesy of my personal valet...Number of married chicks with 1 kid and an angry husband waiting in the garage that we gave a ride home to = 1.....number of times I was told by her sister to stop staring at her "boyz" as she called them (I think she was using the medical term that's why I didn't understand) = about a million.

That's it I really got nothin......

The "Gift" That Keeps On Giving

2005-04-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

To be young, rich, and famous......It's like P. Diddy, and Biggie said "Mo money, mo problems" and Ron Mexico is no exception....WHAT??? you may say to yourself....Who the F is Ron Mexico? Well that my friend is the genius of this little tale.....you can look and see for yourself here. I think Van Wilder summed it but best when he said "Don't be a fool, wrap your tool" or get sued for giving a chick Herpes Simplex-2....

Here's a hint......

Please Discuss.......

Dont Call It a Comeback

2005-04-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Yes yes I know it's been a while but after the devestaing loss of the Cats I plunged into a deep chasam of booze self-pitty and wallowed in my own filth.........But on the bright side I did somehow manage to win one of the 8 NCAA pools that I entered. So this was brought to my attention and felt it necessary to share it with the world.......this may be the single greatest piece of literay work ever created. It is some cybersex chatroom transcrips and they will leave you lauging your ass off on the floor in a puddle of your own pee....

Some of my favorite exchanges are as follows:
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

Just a little preview for your reading pleasure.......

Syracuse Region

2005-03-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Well boys and girls, I must have done something right as Rufio asked me back, so you are stuck with me and my opinions for at least one more post. Well, the Tarheels have an easy road. They get to battle the winner of the play-in game, which features two powerhouses, every basketball fan knows plenty well. The deadly 12-18 Oakland ????'s versus the mighty Alabama A&M so-and so's. Well the Tar Heels will be able to rest their starters, and gear up for later rounds.

My upset special is NC State over Charlotte. A 10-7 upset isn't much but I work with what I'm given. Kansas vs. Wisconsin in the 2nd round should be a good game, although Kansas has lost 4 of their last 8. YIKES! Listen you can hear Bill Self kicking himself for leaving Illinois last year. Florida vs. Villanova should also be a good matchup, with Villanova always liking to spoil peoples seasons and Florida playing extremely well.

UNC beats UCONN in the Elite 8 and rolls to Nellyville for the Final 4.

Austin Region

2005-03-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

Rufio asked me to throw my two cents in, and honestly many of you may not know what I'm spitting. First off, this is the toughest bracket in the tournament and one of the toughest in recent years. Duke (who I like about as much as Al Qaeda), lets face it looked impressive in the ACC tourney. Not to mention Michigan State, Syracuse, Oklahoma, and Kentucky. The selection committee obviously is hanging from Washington's pelotas, so they wanted to give them as easy of a road as possible, but let me digress.

Kentucky has a great defense, and some big boys, but let's just say they are no Jimmy Chitwoods (if you don't know who he is, stop reading this now!) They struggle in the shooting department. They will lose.

Great matchup in round 2 featuring Michigan State and Syracuse. But Hakim Warrick proves he is a mini KG and they advance.

Everyone wants to jump on the Dukey V bandwagon and suckle from the perverbial Coach K teet, but my pick is my upset special of the tournament. Syracuse will win the entire region!

So live it, learn it, love it.

Bracketology: ALBUQUERQUE

2005-03-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

This is what I call the "Chip on your shoulder" Bracket. Many teams are playing with one ie. Louisville for getting a 4 seed, Wake for not getting a #1, Gonzaga for not getting seeded higher, and Washington just to prove everyone their worth the #1.

Let me just start off in saying that Washington was a surprise #1 seed to everyone but, all the cards were in place. Kansas, Kentucky, and Wake all lost in their conference tourneys which left the door open for what I think were 2 #1 seeds up for grabs. To my dismay Duke got one of them due to winning the ACC and Huskies got it for winning the Pac-10. That was Arizona's #1 seed for sure had they taken care of business but that's in the past......

The #1 seed is going to have a tough time in this bracket. First their gameplan is to outscore everyone due to the fact that they are the #1 scoring team in the nation. That's going to be tough come tourney time due to the fact that it's mostly a slowdown halfcourt set offense, not run and gun. Second is no inside presence. Their tallest starter is 6'9, that's not going to get it done, however all 5 spots do crash the boards hard. They do have the guardplay down with Nate "The Great" (you don'd know how hard it is for me to type that) Robinson and Tre Simmons.

I like Pitt over Pacific due to the fact of the strength of competition in the Big East. Did Pacific even play anyone of worth in their non-conferece schedule?

G'Tech and Louisville (with Pitino playing the "No Respect" card) move on

Now here's an upset possibility UCLA over Texas Tech. I personally don't like this pick but many of the talking heads on TV do. UCLA is too inconsistent for me to pick them, however they do have great talent and the "inside/outside" presence that is needed in this tournament with Farmar and Thompson but I still don't like 'em.

Gonzaga moves on and I think the Zags go deep this year....Their squad is legit despite any doubters out there. Turiaf is back from a nasty ankle injury and watch out for their shooter Morrison. Some say he's got a Larry Bird-esque game....(I wouldn't go that far but he's still good)

Many like the Blue Jay over the Mountaieers in the 7/10 upset......don't bite like I said Big East conference respect.

I've got Wake comming out of Albuquerque in a tough bracket.

Bracketology:CHICAGO

2005-03-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well now it's time for the good stuff.........Here are my views on the regions brokendown:

CHICAGO:

No surpris here...... Illinois doesn't have to travel far and has a nice bracket to conted with.

15 of the last 16 years there has been a 12/5 uspet in the tournament....lots of people are picking the one is this bracket UW-Milwakee over Alabama......Now Bama made it to the Elite Eight last year with basically the same team as now, but they have looked very inconsistant and getting blown out by more than 15 on more than 1 occasion. Keep your eyes on this game.

I like Arizona's setup: Strong inside game with a good guard, which just happens to be the formula to winning the whole thing......Now if they could only play some defense they could be dangerous.......Terrible stat: 21 consecutive NCAA tournament apparences......number of losses in the first round: 7.

Another upset special: St. Mary's over the Salukies. St. Mays beat Stanford and Gonzaga and lost to the Zags in the WCC final. The Salukies on the other hand didn't even make it to the finals of the MVC.

My brain says the eventual winner of the Chicago region will be the Illini, but my heart is always with the Cats, who if they win it will make a run to the finals.

Next region up: ALBUQUERQUE

March Madness

2005-03-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Time to put on your dancin' shoes.........Quite possibly the best time for most if not all sports fans and CBS Sports has to go and ruin another great spring with their piss poor coverage of one of the time honered traditions in our great land. Before I sing the prasies of the NCAA Tournament and why I love it so much you get to hear me talk about why it is so painful to at least listen to and sometimes watch.......

Reason #1: BILY PACKER

Man where do I start? The guy is never wrong, EVER even when the facts blaently show that he is wrong. What an arrogant ass, this guy is so out of touch with todays game of college basketball he's like the old balls guy at the bar who is 60 and trying to act all hip and cool to hang with the "kids", it ain't happenin. Your time has come and gone. Get off your all-knowing all-mighty high horse and make a decision on a call rather than arguing both sides of the argument to ensure that you again are never wrong. I think that Packer gets a trademark bonus a la Pat Riley's "Threepeat" for everytime he gets to squeeze the basketball term "High-post" into his so-called color analysis. (If you've never had the joy of listing to this yahoo then consider yourself on of the few lucky bastards still in exsistance but if you want to see what I'm talking about try to listen to just one half of game analysis from this guy and I challege you not to push mute)

Reason #2 CBS CAMERA COVERAGE

Now while you are trying to listen to Billy Packer try watching the game.....Sounds so easy doesn't it? Think again. The most obvious and blantent complaint would be not enough early round games. Imagine if ABC had the rights, we could watch multiple first round game on ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU now even ESPN the Ocho, but alas we must settle for just regional coverage or travel to your local watering hole equipped with mutilple tv's and satalites (which isn't a bad thing). Second they insist on taking a commercial time out on EVERY timeout. I really don't have a problem with this one until the end of a game where it's close. A freakin commercial every 2 seconds after a foul? C'mon man it ruins the flow of the watching experience, just stay with the coverage for 30 seconds. And lastly instant replay. Have you noticed the lack of instant replay on some controvercial calls? That was a rule instated by CBS because they are also the live feed inside the arenas. So there is no replay of controvercial calls so as not to insite the crowd or to tell if it was a bullshit call.

That's my rant, next up we'll talk matchups and whatnot but for now discuss.........

Review: The O.C.

2005-03-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that my O.C. posts have been running quite long, so this one goes out to all of you who have the attention span of a gnat......

One word describes this episode....ghey. And when I say ghey I mean ghey. As it was pointed out to me it appears that the writer's have abandoned actually writing episodes and have now gone to the recyling bin but not from the usual 90210 archives but they dug deep into the vault and pulled the old Saved by the Bell storyline out. (If you were curious which Saved by the Bell character you were you can find out here. I found out I was:

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

I was just waiting for Marissa to find a bag full of money near a food court bench and have Seth wait in a ginormus line for some 50 cent tickets so Ryan could scalp them on the streets...........Terrible. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about where the hell were you from about 89-93? Sit down and watch the 10 episodes that are on a day and you'll figure it out)

Out of the hour worth of programming there was literally like 3-4 minutes of worthwhile, watchable TV. Some other points...."The Porn Identity"? c'mon......and Kiki somewhat being tempted to cheat? Again...c'mon. The only good part was the previews for the next episode but that too will probably suck.

Discuss...........

Showdown at Doral

2005-03-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

"This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"

Damn you Phil for being my favorite golfer, all you do is break my heart. Every final round of a tournament that Phil is in contention, watching him play is like having a heart attack, getting kicked in the balls, and giving birth all wrapped into a nice little package that lasts 3 hours, until the end of last year and the beginning of this year. During that time Phil has been droppin bombs off the tee and winning tournaments. I think that's why he's a fan favorite, he plays golf like the everyday guy would, bombs off the tee, going for greens and shooting at pins, Golf Gods be damned.......I love it!

Apparently that "style" of golf doesn't hold up under "pressure" when you got quite possibly the greatest golfer of all-time Tiger Woods breathing down your neck. Until Sunday.....It was a great final round showdown with neither golfer making any mistakes but with Tiger just outplaying Phil....again. But this time was different, after the round when asked how he felt Phil said that he was "upset", basically pissed that he lost to Tiger. Thank God Phil! Get a fire lit under you already. His usual response would have been "Yeah it was a great round, great competion blah blah..." but this time he was pissed.

Damn you Phil you could have made Sunday a great sports day, Illinois is not unbeaten, Duke lost to UNC all you needed to do is come through.......I'd tell Phil to go home be pissed then put on that green jacket he got last year and remember how that felt and go get like 5 more.

(P.S. Note to self......never look like you just got kicked in the balls while the dude behind you looks like he's doin you in your cornhole.....someone's always watchin)

The A-Team

2005-03-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

............In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them; maybe you can hire the A-Team. (If you're an audio type learner then you can hear the spoken word version of what was just said here.)

Man if it were only that simple......or is it? Someone did try to find the A-Team or someone comparable and posted the listing on Craigslist and hilarity ensued.....here

What kid growing up in the 80's didn't love this show? (Besides girls and Nancy boys). You got your grizzled old veteran as your fearless leader, You got your mental case pilot who is handy with the steel if you know what I mean, your get into anywhere in any situation Face man, then you got your angry bouncer-type wheelman who can rival MacGyver (Another great product of the 80's which will deem it's own post soon) in turning anything with wheels into a tank, all he needs is a wielding torch, a couple of hundred metal sheets that are conveniently lying around and a vehicle. Just don't try to get him on a plane. This is a recipe for pure gold!

(And yes laziness has set in so all the glorious posts will be coming at a snail's pace. So I'm just filling your needs with smaller funnier posts in the mean time.)

Eureka!! The O.C. is Back Baby!

2005-02-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Here's the plan.........trim the fat, get the crew back together, and get all the couples back together. Simple right? Gotta get back to your roots and not rely on flashy gimmick plays ie. the lesbian card (which by the way I'm not opposed to but was played way too early, only season 2 for God's sake) or terrible tangent storylines (Do I need to even remind you of Oliver?) This week involved car crashes, dramatic storms, confessions of love, last-minute phone calls, all I need now is for Ryan to shut the hell up, put on a wifebeater and a leather jacket, squint a few times and kick my ass and we're back in business!

So let's kick off the festivities with the ladies of Sappho. First of all arguably on of the hottest lesbian duos to hit a primetime soap since well....ever even if Marissia is from the Keau Reves School of Acting but lets be honest she there for her face not her thespian prowess.

Marissa: "Hey mom this is my hot piece of ass "girlfriend""
Julie Cooper-Nichol: "Hi Julie Cooper-Nichol"
M:"No mom not a girl who's my friend but she the hot thang I've been bumpin tacos with"
JCN: "It's just a phase.......It was with me"

Classic.......What's with this "to cool for school" Marissia these days? I need her to be self-medicating with bottles of vodka and throwing drunken tantrums in some foreign country, but maybe next episode? Besides the hotness factor this lesbian storyline is dead in the water. There's not even a lesson involved in it a la 90210, if 9-0 did it they would at least have a Public Service Announcment after the show about the dangers of...... something.

Now let's get to the meat and potatoes portion of the drama: 1.) Sandman, Kiki, and bloated -looking Rebecca triangle and 2.) Cohen-Summer "Are they, aren't they" tale. I refuse to include the Ryan/Lindsy/DNA test in this mix cuz really.....no one really gives a shit. Peeps ain't watchin the show for that, they watch because of the other two storylines. (Sidenote: I personally don't find Lindsay, annoying or an uggo for that matter, but apparently I am in the minority on this one. She obvioulsy can't hold a candle to any of the other females in the show but I think that they ugly her up a bit but who cares...on with the show)

1.) Sandy....this is not the Sanford I know, leaving your hot ass wife pissed in bed so you can go transport some fugitive from the Peach Pit back to Newport? (By the way was I the only one who thoght that the diner was the old Peack Pit set? I was just waiting for Joe E. Tata to come up and serve them some burgers and shakes then drop some old sage advice on Sandy and Rebecca just before they hit the "After Dark" up for some cocktails and dancing and the sweet mixing mestro of David Silver on the ones & twos.) First of all I think JuJu said it best when she said "No you're Sandy and Kirsten, you're like the moral center of the universe" Yesss! but also another attempt at the show poking fun/reffering to themselves in the show. C'mon Sandman have you looked at your wife lately she's grade A prime cut, this Rebecca bag is fat, all bloated up and is a bad coke binge away from becoming a "Lady of the Night", grow a brain..........and of course he did but with mas quseo (a must have secret ingredient to any night-time drama.....don't worry this episode is packed with the cheese wiz) Sandman and Kiki back together again.....all is right with the world.

2.) The Seth-Summer Experiment. Clearly the best chararcter in the show Seth comes through in the clutch again. From the opening vingette performance you knew that the show was getting back on track. This season the kid is too manic, but he pulls out his last ditch effort for Summer buy a.) repeatedly going to her house in a Spider Man mask and b.) dropping numerous phone calls and by jumping to conclusions (without the home game floormat by the way).c.) Closing it out in Grand O.C. fashion with mas queso. Some finer points to be discussed: Nice reaction to the lesbos, classic Seth for sure. Being a rabid Boyz II Men fan I did enjoy the use of "End of the road" a classic end of the year senior song/prom song. The Summer Breeze/Gimme Sex had it's purpose and the re-enactment of the Spiderman scene was grande queso but the clincher was good 'ol Captain Oats and the bizzaro Cohen kid playing with a horse. Who the fuck plays with a toy horse? You're tellin me that if you put a Nintendo DS and a plastic horse infront of that kid he goes for the horse? Only in TV land where you have to illustrate fate. Oh by the way how big of a douche is Zach? How are he and Cohen not mortal enemies? Cohen's layin his mack down on Summer every 2 seconds he's around her and when he's not he's callin her tryin to spit game? Z needed to drop some thunder and lightning up side Cohen's skull but no he's wondering what would Jesus do?

Some closing ramblings...........

I already pointed out the Peach Pit ut it bears mentioning again........is it an homage to past teen dramas cleverly placed in the show like so many other jokes? Probably not but I think so.....Also you gotta be quick to catch the poke at MTV's "Laguna Beach the Real O.C." in Sherman Oaks the real valley........nice touch but you almost gotta watch the damn show twice to catch all the small inside and quick witte jokes............so there it is comment away

Paris' "Sidekick" Hacked

2005-02-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

So here it is in all its glory......Paris got her T-Moble sidekick hacked and got her private pictures, email addresses, To-Do list, and phone numbers posted on the net. She must have put my number in her Blackberry.....Thank God. The pics are particularly interesting with the first few posing with a cute little baby then right to the naughty pics with who I think is Nikki Lenz.

Some of the emails and phone numbers of such high-brow, mover-and-shaker types like: Christina Aguilera, Devo Aoki, Fred Durst, Jermaine Dupri, Vicki Gotti, Stephen King, David Lachappelle, Avril Lavigne, Lindsay Lohan, Bijou Phillips, Ashlee Simpson, Twiggy, Usher, and Vin Diesel and others.

First of all a rocket scientist she ain't, however she could have a lot of smart people surrounding and possibly mounting her (me not being one of these said persons unfortunately). This could be another attempt at getting her name back out into the public conscienciousness, since she hasn't done anything ridiculously outrageous in a few hours.

I highly questioned the authenticity of all this but "The Drudge Report" has confirmed many of the surreptitious listings on their website..............so obviously it's gotta be true right?

TV

2005-02-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

Being as that I am currently permanently unemployed I have 24 hours each day to dispense as I see fit....1-2 for physical fitness, 1-2 for nourishment, 8-10 for sleep, 2-4 for general tomfoolery and shennaigans, which leaves between 6-10 given the particular day for watchin the idiot box.

Thursday
- Obviously I watched the O.C. First, fox stop pushing the last 5 minutes of the damn show down my throat in every commercial........I get it! So It's Valentine's Day in Orange County, great I'm predictin some pure queso this episode. I waited 47 minutes for that? Marissa didn't even open her mouth, I'd expect more salaciousness from you fox, tisk tisk.

Sunday
-Arrested Development - Best show on TV hands down.....Probably the best show you're not watching cuz apparently no one does. 6.5 million last episode.....I think the Westminster dog show on cable draws a bigger viewing audience. My theory on this is that there is no pre-recorded laugh track that goes along with the show and hence the viewing "public" doesn't know when to laugh and what is funny.

-47th Annual Grammy Awards
U2- hate 'em........Specifically that pompus bastard Bono. When was the last time they had a hit? Vertigo? Just a bunch of guitars, unnessary spanish and some dude with NASCAR goggles. Dude Bono how bout you stop trying to save the world with your "music" already. You wanna help cure AIDS in Africa? Pick up a freakin pipet and start titrating, if not why don't you just leave it up to the professionals and stop hogging all their glory.

Quenten Tarnetino?- what the fuck is that guy doin there, oh yeah he's a media whore

J. Lo and Mr. J. Lo (aka Marc Anthony) - yes terrible but not as terrible as U2 specifically Bono, at least they sang in espanol so I couldn't understand the shit they were spewin anyways.

That is all.......discuss

Valentine's Day and the fraud it really is

2005-02-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

I would like to expose the fraud that goes by the moniker of "Valentine's Day". OK kiddies here's a little history lesson for you free of charge: Valentine was a priest who lived during the third century in Rome. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, so he outlawed marriage for young men.(Don't know why he didn't just go with the Capt. Hooker approach ie. the Civil War and just provide his men with "women of the night" or the spoils of war for god's sake) Anyway Valentine dropped some double birds on Claudius and continued to perform marriages for horny lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. So while he was rotting away in the dungeon waiting to die he fell in love with the jailer's daughter and before he died he wrote a letter to this skank signed "From you Valentine" and thus Hallmark was born.

Today it has lost all meaning and is just another tool of capitalism to sell you more shit you don't need like chocolates, flowers, cards and ridiculoulsy lavish gifts/trips/dinners for a guy's "special lady friend" I contend that other feast days of saints are more deserving than this one.........The obvious being St. Patrick of course, but why isn't anyone getting all jazzed up about Flag day, arbor day, earth day, etc you may ask? To borrow from those amazing urban poets Wu Tang Clan "Cash rules everything around me C.R.E.A.M.! Get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll."

Guy's get there raw end of the deal on this day..........why isn't there a day devoted to the guys? Buy'em beer, barbecue 'em an entire cow, buy them a 60" plasma screen tv and other various electronics and gagetry, send them on a trip to a fantasy golf academy, and no mouth from the ladies unless requested? Feminist are yappin about being equal........where's all the Malist at? Oh that's right too busy doing the above.

Oh yeah I forgot....."Will you be my valentine?"

Infected!

2005-02-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

So finally all the "research" that I've been doing on the net has caught up with me. My computer is teeming with this Trojan.byteverify virus. But don't fret, I've got my crack IT staff on the case to remedy the situation. This damn infection is really salting my blog game. I guess I'll just have to use the other eight computers in my "lab" to feed the masses with quick wit. But cut me some slack, everything that I hold sacred is stored in this large paper weight that I call a computer (read: illegally obtained mp3's and porn) so I will be focusing my free time, which is 24 hrs at the moment, in hopes of saving the single thing that defines my exsitance.

Shotgun!

2005-02-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here's somthing to take a gander at........with my hours of scouring and lurking online I stumbled upon the Official Rules for Calling Shotgun Now that I look at that, it's actually a book so here's a gratis version for all you cheap bastards out there. This version has contigencies and whatnots for some rules that may be called into question.....here.

Enjoy

FBR Saturday Day (Kegs & Eggs @Craig's)

2005-02-11T03:13:00.000-07:00

Man these lengthy post are killing me and you too I'm sure, but I'm an artist with words so I'm tryin to paint you a picture here......

So Kegs & Eggs at Craig's is supposed to kick off at 9am sharp..........Good thing I get up at 10 but am ready to go out the door by 10:30. Sis wants to hitch a ride and says in 30 mins she'll be ready to go. Translation 1 hour and 30 minutes. After pouting for 30 mins I say fuck it I'm off for some eggs and kegs.

11 am: Make my entrance all angry as hell........everyone has got a 2 hour head start and has found their "happy place" already and are antsy to get their golf on. (Two points here: 1. I am banking on this little pre-party to get me where I need to be cuz a.) I'm permanently unemployed and broke, and b.) everyone else has "Member" tix and I gotta duke it out with the commoners. Refer to previous post.) I head right to the keg and gas two beers in rapid succession followed by a shotewski of Jaeger.......Breakfast of Champions. Grab two more beers to regroup and watch the Cats in an early game vs. The Cardinal on CBS, which by the way provides the worst coverage of a college basketball game especially come Tourney time but that's a different post. It's rapidly approaching the noon hour and I hob knob with some of the peeps and take like 4 more shots with the last toast made by some dude who I don't know but is funny as hell "To some crazy dudes with some crazy shots", indeed. I can tell already its gonna be a good day.

12 pm: The sis arrives just in time to drive a group of 10 to the open. In tow with her is the most Euroed out dude I've seen in a while. He's got wet slicked back hair a la Pat Riley, wearing what I deemed as J-Lo shades with like little jewels on the sides and has some track jacket type deal halfway zipped up to reveal no shirt underneath but what appears to be a heavy sweater of chest hair poking out the top half.........what I labeled as "Pure Sex". Paolo assured me that it's "all the rage" in Europe right now. Whatever......after a quick stop for some smokes and some Bud Light Tallboys for the road we were off to the open. (Level of drunkenness: Can still opererate heavy machinery)

(From this point on in the story all time ceased to exist, just a garbled haze of events that I can barely remember........many "gaps" but here it goes)

We hit the gates and everyone scatters like cockroaches when you turn the lights on............off to Valhalla no doubt. As for me I'm with Moragasm and my other buddy we'll call him Johnny McEnroe. So me and the two M's hit the road in search of alcohol. We each return with 3 cups a piece so we decide to pound them hillside next to one of the holes. Man what more can you ask for........sittin on some green grass, drinkin beers with some buds, 70 degrees and sunny in February, hot ass walkin everywhere ..........oh yeah and some golf was goin on too. (Level of drunkenness: Mouth is startin to spew some diarrhea)

So I think I see "Peter Gibbons" and his special lady friend, so I decide to stand up and yell his name to get his attention.........repeatedly. Now for all you bowlers out there yelling at a golf tourny is a big no-no, especially at the top of your lungs, drunk off you ass and next to the green where players are trying to play golf. I then proceed to run at them like a charging bull while still yelling his name. Finally I get in this guys face......process that it is clearly not my friend and ask the terrified couple "You guys know where the pissers are?" and calmly walk away. That my friends is cool under pressure.

So on the way to the pisser I see this girl that I know we'll call her "Stick with boobs" and so did I......... at the top of my lungs.......to her face. This was actually documented cuz I placed a call to my friend "The Double Doctor" and he heard me say it.............Yeah it didn't really work out.

Next thing I know I'm at this tent waiting in line for beers and somehow reunited with the 2 M's. I find a roll or Jack Daniels stickers with little lights on them, proceed to place them all over my person and on everyone around me.............all the while Moragasm is yelling at ridiculously hot girls "I caught you a delicious bass"........indeed he did. This is where it gets ugly or great depending on who you are....

So Johnny Mac meets a group of his lady friends at this tent and we are chit chatting and whatnot, I'm holding court telling some lies like I'm a descendant of the royal bloodline of the monarchy of the Philippines and shit, and people are eatin up with at spoon............or so I thought at the time. So one girl in particular who J Mac has kinda been doin the "group hang" thing with, her moms & pops roll in. So old balls grabs me by the collar and asks me:

Old Balls: "what's wrong with you son?"
Me:"I have no fuckin clue why don't you tell me?"
Old Balls: "Why don't you like my daughter?"
Me: "Ummm don't get me wrong she's got a killer set of baby blues on her but I think you're barkin up the wrong tree"

Frazzled Old Balls tries to put together a coherent sentence to find out who the hell I am, realizes that I'm not Johnny Mac and lets me go. Me and the moms and pops start talkin and I find out that he's a Captain of Industry, I'm throwin out some golden lines and I yell for Moragams to come over..........I need one of you business cards STAT! And I'm not talkin Amare! (Must have said that phrase a million times that day). Next thing you know Old Balls is handin me beers and we're smoken stoggies together..........All is right in the world again.

Spent the remainder of the day there being the social butterfly and whatnot.......I really wish I could have remembered what the hell I was talking about cuz for those of you who know me once I'm that pickled it's nothin but pure unfiltered gold that comes out of my mouth. The only other worthy thing I remembered was the bus ride to the car and me sitting next to some girl who was hot and I strike up a convo with her:

Me: "So where's the latenight at?"
Hot Girl: "Latenight? it's only 6 pm, the sun's still out"
Me: "So where you off to this fine evening?"
HG: "Going to the babysitter to pick up my son."
Me: "Get the fuck outta here, you're too hot to have a kid. Bring the little tike along.........kids eat my shit up!"

She then got up and changed seats...........oh well........... (Drunkenness Level: Time Traveling)

Next post FBR Saturday continues into the night....

FBR Friday

2005-02-10T03:00:00.000-07:00

So plans were that a rather large sized crew would be planning on going to the Open on Saturday but one friend let's call him "Peter Gibbons" calls me up and says that he's got 2 "commoner" tix at his disposal and wants to grab some lunch at the open for an hour or 2. My docket is empty so I meet him at his place of employment.

So a little background: Last year at the open we run into Pete's bossman we'll call him "El Heffe". This guy use to coach us in high school for some blacktop hoops and whatnot so I probably haven't seen him in about 7 years. First off I was two sheets to the wind by the time I stumbled onto El Heffe last year and it was not a pretty sight. I may have inadvertently almost cost Pete his job while making an ass of myself. As you will see this will become a recurring motif in this little yarn that I'm spinning.

12 pm: I arrive at "Initech", run into El Heffe and he asks me if I'm still drunk......from last year's open. Now there's something to be said here about first impressions but..............f' it lets go to the open!

12:15pm We roll through the gates embarrassed about our Gen Ad. badges but we're just gettin lunch anyways right? It's a work day for God's sakes. This is where I learned a very important life lesson: "It's not what you know it's who you know." Initech is sponsoring somesort of recreational vehicle to be raffled off and El Heffe has become quite friendly with one of the sports radio guys. Peter does what he does, smoozes the guy a little bit and drops El Heffe's name on him and bingo bango we're the Jefferson's...........movin on up baby! "Members!" yesssssss.

1pm Yeah literally took us like 45 minutes to find this magical "member's" tent, I felt like Cortez searchin for freakin El Dorado. Yes! the 16th, we cruise in like we've been here before and ask the hot little barkeep for a cocktail to enjoy. She looks at us like we got a terminal case of cancer, there's no booze on 16, only 12, 9, and 18 where we just came from.

1:15pm Another Nazi death march to the closest hole the 9th where we came up with a great idea, the PGA should have a shuttle service for us members between holes.......for christ's sakes were members! I made the executive decision to double fist, we nearly wasted an hour gotta catch up.

1:15 to bout 3:30-ish pm: I live by the old Brandon Walsh mantra, good 'ol Brando says "Go big or go home." Being that I was at least 20 miles from my home I did what I always do, go big. During this time we held down some choice seats that had views of 3 holes plus the walkers-by. We would chat with a different rotation of patrons that would sit next to us and yell at young ladies as they would pass, flaunting their stuff in hopes of finding their sugar daddy on the course and thus "Who's the most Scottsdaled Out?" was born. You know the type: typical Mendleian Ratio of 3:2 blonde to brunette of course. Short skirts, tight tops to show off some recently acquired augmentation, bad Mystic Tan, iced out with some Tiffany's mixed in. (Sidenote: Two girls in particular that jogg my memory were these two blondes in cowboy hats, one was smokin hot, the other unfortunately was morbidly obese, so I yell "Hey lose the dead weight and come hang with some "members". Classy ain't I?) We ate finally (This is a key point in the story because this will be my only solid food for the next 48 hours) and my mouth was spewing diarrhea about things that should have been better left unsaid. (Yes it was me, I am Sparticus...........I outed some peeps which by the way is another recurring motif, just call me Judas from now on, I'll be colleting my 30 pieces of silver several times before this damn FBR is over.) Oh yeah I almost forgot, some golf was being played throughout the day too.

5-6 pm: The dreaded drive home in rush hour traffic on two count'em two major arteries of the city. Did I mention I am the bearer of two collegiate degrees? Friggin Idiot.

I make it home and passout for the remainder of the day, thank god no more damage can be done, but I arise just in time for Saturday morning........

Freidman, Billings, Ramsey

2005-02-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

Who are they you ask? Honestly I have no freakin idea, but damn can those three throw a hoe down! For those unlucky souls that have no clue of what I speak don't fret that's what I'm here for.

Every Superbowl week the PGA tour decides to roll into the sleepy little hamlet known as Scottsdale, AZ and stockpiles the biggest and best corporations that Arizona has to offer, squeezes them under one tent and throws "The Biggest Cocktail Party on Grass". Now for the lucky few "member's" one can have access to these so-called tents where it is apparently Valhalla reincarnate. Let me elaborate, free booze, free eats, free munchies, stadium seating at various holes with an amazing view, oh and did I mention Free Booze?

Then there's what I like to call the "commoner's" tickets. General Admission, basically you get your ass through the gates and are left to fend for yourself amongst the other blue-collar types in long arduous lines for non gratis beverages and doing the Balki Bartokomous pee-pee dance while waiting for your personal container of feces. (By the way get use to me dropping obscure references to pop culture ie. Balki Bartokomous. If you still don't have a clue google the bastard) Are we having fun yet?

Here I will attempt to recount my Friday/Saturday experience with up to the minute or what I "perceived" the time to be.

* Don't worry all the names will be changed to protect the innocent and in no way would I participate in the making or publication of any statement which would libel, slander, or disparage or expose to hatred, contempt or ridicule ANY parties involved. (With that said let's get to the dirt)

So It Begins

2005-02-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

So what is one to do when they suddenly have copious amounts of free time on their hands? And when I say "suddenly" I mean like a year and a half kinda sudden, like suddenly a glob of cholesterol just appeared in my aorta. You guessed it, you publish a blog. So here I am bloggin it up.

What can I expect from Diarrehea of the Mouth or (DOTM) as it's called in the biz? Well you will get scathing thoughts, observations and commentaries that will expose the stupidity of society and or whatever seed happens to be germinating in my pea sized flower pot of a brain at that time, or the ever popular random shit on a page.

So for all you lookin to take a break from gettin memos, puttin cover sheets on faxes, reorganizing those pesky TPS reports, or curing cancer (you know who you are) take a load off and enjoy whatever brief respite I can provide. You will be rewarded in spades, or just disappointed by my empty promises. Either way just aiding in the procrastination of America.